Seven Signs Your Aging Parents Need Help

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Office of Work/Life: Welcome everyone. Thank you so much for logging in today.

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Office of Work/Life: We are going to get started in just a moment with our presentation. 7 signs your aging parents may need help. My name is Kristen. I am from the office of work life, and I just want to say a couple of words about our office before I turn it over to our presenter.

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Office of Work/Life: The office of work, life offers a broad range of programming. You're all logged in today.

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Office of Work/Life: for an eldercare workshop. And we do offer adult and elder care, programming and resources. But in addition to that, just in case you're not familiar with some of the other things our office does. I just want to mention them briefly, in case they are of use to you now or in the future. We have programming for non Columbia housing needs

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Office of Work/Life: schooling and childcare. We have a very broad range of well-being programs. We run breastfeeding support program. So if any of those things again are needs that you may have now or in the future, please don't hesitate to reach out and take a look at our website as well. We send out emails 3 times a year. That detail our programming. So please keep an eye out for those, too.

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Office of Work/Life: And now I don't want to take any more time from today's session, and I want to introduce our presenter sherry. Samatin. We're very lucky to have sherry with us today she brings decades of experience in

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Office of Work/Life: business, financial management and elder care planning. She's the founder of Lifebridge Solutions, which is an organization that helps families navigate practical decisions around elder care and elder care transitions. So, Sherry, I'm going to hand it over to you. Thanks so much for being here.

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Sheri Samotin: Wonderful. Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. Just a quick note. Please save your questions until the end. You're welcome to put them in the chat, but I do want to make sure we get through all the material, but I will be happy to address questions at the end. So at any time put them right in the chat so that you don't forget them. So with that

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Sheri Samotin: today, we're going to kind of talk about 2 aspects of dealing with aging parents. The 1st is, how do you know if they may need more help?

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Sheri Samotin: Because often they're not gonna just tell you. And then the second part is, how can you help them? But how can you do so without completely taking over and creating a dynamic between yourselves and your parent. That is stressful. We'll just call it that. So with that, I'm going to get started.

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Sheri Samotin: And there we go. Okay, so

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Sheri Samotin: we're going to kind of use this framework as a way to get through our discussion. We're going to 1st start with. How do you assess your parents needs? How do you know what they need?

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Sheri Samotin: Then we'll move on to what resources are available in your family, in your parents community.

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Sheri Samotin: how can you fill those needs.

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Sheri Samotin: How can you plan ahead for what may come? And then the important thing is this continues so you'll constantly be assessing

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Sheri Samotin: and filling and planning.

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Sheri Samotin: So, to begin with, there are 7 signs that your aging parent may need more help. I'm going to go through each of these in more detail, but I'm just going to lay them out for you. So you know what's coming.

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Sheri Samotin: So there are health related issues, safety related issues, mobility, financial household confusion, irritability, behavioral social.

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Sheri Samotin: Those are kind of the buckets, and we're gonna deal with each one of them in turn.

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Sheri Samotin: So starting with health.

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Sheri Samotin: here are some specific things you can look for so many of you may have just gone home and seen your parents for Thanksgiving, or you will be going home soon for the holidays. Here's things to look for.

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Sheri Samotin: Has your parent lost or gained a noticeable amount of weight since you've seen them last?

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Sheri Samotin: That can mean there's something going on medically.

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Sheri Samotin: or if they've lost a lot of weight that could be medical.

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Sheri Samotin: But it also may be that they're not eating properly.

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Sheri Samotin: It's not unusual for older adults who live by themselves to think they could eat a carton of yogurt for lunch.

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Sheri Samotin: a carton of yogurt for breakfast, and another carton of maybe yogurt for dinner, and that's certainly not sufficient. And and you know, an older adult will become more frail if they're doing that. So that's something we need to look out for

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Sheri Samotin: take a look in the fridge.

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Sheri Samotin: Is it empty.

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Sheri Samotin: or is it packed full? And as you take out things you find green hair growing on those things.

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Sheri Samotin: Take a look in the pantry.

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Sheri Samotin: Is there expired food or the canned goods old? You can just look at the dates right on them. You'll find things typically that are years and years old. You want to get those out of the house.

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Sheri Samotin: Have there been recent emergency room or urgent care visits that's often a sign there's something going on.

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Sheri Samotin: quite often. That'll be a mobility issue. There'll be a fall, and that will then yield a visit.

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Sheri Samotin: and it may be oh, no, no, I didn't. I didn't, you know. I tripped over the rug, and then they end up with a gash on the side of their face that needs to be fixed. That's not normal.

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Sheri Samotin: Is their vision failing.

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Sheri Samotin: for example, if your parent used to read a lot. And now they're suddenly no longer reading.

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Sheri Samotin: That could be an indicator that they're having some issues with their vision.

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Sheri Samotin: Do they seem to get tired more easily than you remember now, some of that will be normal aging.

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Sheri Samotin: but some of that may mean that they really actually need more help around the house.

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Sheri Samotin: And then finally, are they repeating themselves, telling the same story, you know, on kind of a rinse, and repeat cycle

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Sheri Samotin: and depending whether that's a 30 min cycle. A 20 min cycle, a 10 min cycle or a 1 min cycle will kind of give us an idea of what we're dealing with.

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Sheri Samotin: Safety is my soapbox.

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Sheri Samotin: So

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Sheri Samotin: I'm really concerned. And I think it's our responsibility as adult children to keep our loved ones safe. That's the most important thing. All the rest of it honestly, is secondary.

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Sheri Samotin: So I'm concerned about falls.

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Sheri Samotin: Do they have stairs in their home?

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Sheri Samotin: If they have stairs, do they have proper railings, or do they have stairs to get in and out of their house? And if so, are there railings? Often there aren't, and front steps often there's no railing, nothing to hold on to.

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Sheri Samotin: also concerned about cords, lamp cords, and that kind of thing, or or rugs with edges sticking out or curling up. These are all fall risks.

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Sheri Samotin: And they can lead to a tragedy. We don't want our loved one to fall and break a hip or hit their head

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Sheri Samotin: so falls are very concerning

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Sheri Samotin: does your parent have unexplained bruises? So you see a bruise on them? And you say what happened? And they can't really tell you.

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Sheri Samotin: or it seems like they're covering something up.

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Sheri Samotin: That's often an indicator that they are falling and probably doing so on a fairly regular basis.

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Sheri Samotin: Anybody have a parent who left the teapot on all night?

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Sheri Samotin: that can cause a fire. That is very concerning there's clearly a cognitive issue. If somebody is doing that.

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Sheri Samotin: and they really can no longer live alone. If that's the case.

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Sheri Samotin: do they leave the cat out, or do they forget to walk the dog, so they've had a dog for a long time. They're used to walking it 2 or 3, 4 times a day, and all of a sudden, now they're not walking, and the dog is doing its business in the house. And you notice that

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Sheri Samotin: again, that may be a sign of cognition mobility, whatever the issue may be, but that's there's something going on there.

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Sheri Samotin: Do they go out and get lost? Have you ever been called by somebody saying.

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Sheri Samotin: I just found your mom. She's wandering down the street. She had her phone with her, so she told me to push this button to call you.

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Sheri Samotin: or worse, getting called from the police

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Sheri Samotin: saying that your loved one was found, you know, away from home.

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Sheri Samotin: or even worse, in the middle of the night, with no clothes on that happens, too. No, no joke.

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Sheri Samotin: What about the car? The car

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Sheri Samotin: are there? Frequent fender benders? Oh, I was in the grocery store parking lot, and a lady hit me.

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Sheri Samotin: Okay? And then, 2 weeks later, oh, I went to the beauty parlor, and somebody must have scratched my car while I was inside.

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Sheri Samotin: When you notice that it's time to think about whether that parent really should be driving anymore, and what else may be going on.

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Sheri Samotin: And then a huge one. Medication, I really should say mismanagement.

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Sheri Samotin: So one of the most common

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Sheri Samotin: causes of an emergency room visit for an older adult is a medication mishap.

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Sheri Samotin: so not taking necessary medication, taking too much of a necessary medication, taking unnecessary medications all of the above, but that can lead again to falls to head injuries to lacerations. But it's a very, very common reason why people end up in the emergency room, and that needs to be looked into.

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Sheri Samotin: Mobility is another giant one, and this one is really hard for most older adults to admit that their mobility is an issue.

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Sheri Samotin: For example, when they come to a curb. If they're out walking, do they have difficulty stepping up or stepping down, or do they insist on only using the cut out the ramp part?

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Sheri Samotin: That's okay. And again, that may just be normal aging, and they may be cautious, but if that's new, it may be something to be aware of

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Sheri Samotin: climbing stairs or being afraid to.

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Sheri Samotin: Usually, if they're afraid to, it means they've fallen at 1 point or another, and they're afraid to do it again. So being afraid is good in this context, but if they live in a home with a lot of stairs it can become an issue.

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Sheri Samotin: What about having trouble bending over to pick something up, or tie their shoes, or put on their socks.

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Sheri Samotin: struggling to make the bed or change the linens. So if you have a parent who has religiously changed their sheets every Sunday.

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Sheri Samotin: And you notice that's not happening.

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Sheri Samotin: and they'll usually shrug it off and say, Oh, no, no, I'm not dirty. It's okay. It's not. It's okay.

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Sheri Samotin: Often that's because they're having trouble doing it. It's actually really hard to change a big, especially a big bed, a queen or a king. Size bed by yourself

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Sheri Samotin: if if you're older, because you don't have the same muscle strength, and you can't bend the same way you used to, and it's just not so easy

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Sheri Samotin: if they've been told to use an assistive device like a cane or like a walker.

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Sheri Samotin: do they resist or outright refuse, and if they haven't been told to by a physician, maybe they should, and you bring it up, and they won't hear of it. Or what about your mom, who walks with a cane dangling from her wrist like it's a bracelet.

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Sheri Samotin: I've seen that a lot where they have a cane. They're using the cane except they're not using it correctly. They're they're just kind of wearing it as opposed to using it to assist them in their ambulation.

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Sheri Samotin: And then, finally, are they having trouble with Adls and Iadls? So what are those Adls are activities of daily living?

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Sheri Samotin: And there are 5 or 6 of those things like bathing, dressing, toileting, transferring, meaning, going, getting out of the chair, go going from the bed to the chair. That kind of thing that's transferring

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Sheri Samotin: continents, so they can. They control

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Sheri Samotin: their their bowels and bladder, which is different. Continence or incontinence, is different than needing help with toileting, so needing help with toileting may mean they know they need to go there, and they can get there, but they need help cleaning up

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Sheri Samotin: so that may be toilet issue with toileting. But those things are activities of daily living.

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Sheri Samotin: Incidental activities of daily living are things like shopping, cooking, laundry cleaning

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Sheri Samotin: going to the market. You know, those kinds of things, and those are usually the 1st things to go.

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Sheri Samotin: so it's not that they can't, can no longer take a shower by themselves. It's they're having trouble doing a lot of their everyday activities, and then that eventually can often lead to needing help with an Adl

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Sheri Samotin: financial is a biggie and financial is often the very 1st sign that we have a cognition issue on our hands. So what what does this look like?

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Sheri Samotin: Have you ever walked into your mom or dad's house and seen piles of mail sometimes unopened.

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Sheri Samotin: sometimes all over the kitchen counter, all over the chairs. You can hardly find a place to sit because you have to pick something up and move it?

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Sheri Samotin: Or what about bills that get paid late, or get paid twice, or never get paid.

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Sheri Samotin: What about when somebody is making a donation every week to the same charity?

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Sheri Samotin: Now let me tell you a secret there.

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Sheri Samotin: These charities know who they're dealing with.

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Sheri Samotin: and once they get a donation once, and they can cross, check it and see that they're dealing with an older person.

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Sheri Samotin: they will start sending the

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Sheri Samotin: notices to make a donation not once a year or twice a year, but they'll start sending them once a month, and if they see they're getting a monthly donation. They'll start sending them every 2 weeks.

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Sheri Samotin: and even once a week, and people who are confused

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Sheri Samotin: want to do the good thing and make the donation, but they write another check, and they often don't realize they're writing another check, another check, and another check. I had one gentleman when I 1st came into

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Sheri Samotin: help take care of his situation. I went through his checkbook

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Sheri Samotin: and he actually wrote stuff in his checkbook. That's another issue is not writing. They write checks, but they don't write down in the the register.

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Sheri Samotin: But he had a checkbook, and he did write things down, and I noticed how many donations and subscriptions there were, and I went through, and I added it up, and in the cost course of a year

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Sheri Samotin: it was several $1,000, and while this man was a generous man that was not in his budget.

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Sheri Samotin: and that was not his intention, so he wanted to give it the gift, but

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Sheri Samotin: he he should have been giving 100 or 500, not not thousands. So the other piece of that or subscriptions. So you know, all those newsletters got the Mayo Health Newsletter and the Harvard Women's Health Newsletter and the John Hopkins Men's Health Newsletter, and on and on and on.

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Sheri Samotin: Turns out there are 2 companies that publish those

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Sheri Samotin: and all these places just get a commission for giving their name.

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Sheri Samotin: And so it's basically a lot of the same information that gets regurgitated and reformatted. But the important thing is, once somebody subscribes to one.

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Sheri Samotin: then they begin getting mail over and over and over again from all these other ones. Because again, it's only 2 companies.

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Sheri Samotin: And they realize, okay, we've got a good one here. So let's try to get them to subscribe subscribe to these other, you know, 5 or 10 publications, newsletters, and so on. So that's another thing. If you see that happening, you may want to get on the phone and try to cancel a bunch of them and keep one or 2

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Sheri Samotin: but most people don't need multiples of essentially the same thing.

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Sheri Samotin: Credit card debt is another big one. If you're able to look at their statements and see that your dad, who never carried a balance all of a sudden, is carrying a balance.

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Sheri Samotin: That's a tip. Or if there's phone calls or or dunning letters you know, past due notices sending you to collection notices. These are all indications that there is a cognition issue.

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Sheri Samotin: What about the new best friend?

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Sheri Samotin: So all of a sudden, your mom is best friends with the pool boy.

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Sheri Samotin: and I have an attorney friend whose tagline is, and when the pool boy gets grandma's house, call me.

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Sheri Samotin: That really happens so all of a sudden there are people who realize that there's an older adult, and they kind of ingratiate themselves. They may do errands for them or take them to an appointment, but they make nice.

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Sheri Samotin: and they do that for a while, and then they start asking for or taking

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Sheri Samotin: gifts. We'll call them to be generous.

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Sheri Samotin: so be aware of new best friends.

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Sheri Samotin: Finally, if your loved one is confused about what insurance benefits, particularly for their health insurance, their medical prescription drugs, all of that kind of thing. If they don't know what they have or how to use it.

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Sheri Samotin: they need help.

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Sheri Samotin: So financial is huge. And, as I said, it is often

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Sheri Samotin: the very 1st sign of a cognition issue

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Sheri Samotin: around the house.

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Sheri Samotin: mom, who was neat as a PIN. There's clutter everywhere. There's dust. It doesn't look like any vacuuming has happened.

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Sheri Samotin: That's a sign. You know, we're looking for signs of change.

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Sheri Samotin: So it's usually not.

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Sheri Samotin: They had a messy house, and now it's perfectly neat that usually doesn't happen that way. It's usually the opposite, you know, immaculate home. And all of a sudden it looks run down. Maybe outside. Dad maybe was really proud of his garden.

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Sheri Samotin: and now it's a mess, or you notice peeling paint, or things that never would have been tolerated in the past, where they would have gotten taken care of it, or gotten somebody to take care of it. That, you know, is a sign garbage where it shouldn't be or junk

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Sheri Samotin: and then you know again the routine things that you have to do. If you own a home those need to be taken care of, and if you notice that they're not being.

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Sheri Samotin: that's a sign that they're they may need some more help.

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Sheri Samotin: Here's a biggie.

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Sheri Samotin: These are behavior changes.

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Sheri Samotin: So you know Dad, who always called like clockwork every Sunday at noon, doesn't call

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Sheri Samotin: something going on there. Mom, who always used to be sweet and patient, is now, you know, impatient and kind of bickery.

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Sheri Samotin: That's a change losing track of things, or I lost it, or someone took it.

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Sheri Samotin: not really having a good sense of time. So day of the week, hour of the day, month of the year, that sort of thing

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Sheri Samotin: longstanding, difficult behaviors more pronounced. So let's say you have an older adult who has always been

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Sheri Samotin: kind of nasty.

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Sheri Samotin: And now they're like nasty on steroids.

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Sheri Samotin: So same behavior, just degree of behavior has changed

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Sheri Samotin: big one. And again, it's not usually somebody who is nice and sweet becomes more nice and sweet. That's not usually the way it works, but it's usually that I think what we would think of as kind of negative behaviors or traits all of a sudden are magnified.

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Sheri Samotin: So I'll leave that there.

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Sheri Samotin: What about new troubling behavior. So somebody who previously, you know, didn't do something all of a sudden. Now they've begun to do it, and a and a great example, here is somebody who was pretty

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Sheri Samotin: pretty calm and collected, and now they start lashing out.

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Sheri Samotin: So it's a new behavior. They they get angry, you know.

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Sheri Samotin: with no really no provocation. And it can get ugly pretty quickly. That's a typical example.

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Sheri Samotin: Having trouble coordinating their appointment. So they make an appointment. They don't show up.

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Sheri Samotin: or they stay leave. Let's say the hair salon and say, I'll call you for an appointment, and then they never do

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Sheri Samotin: so it's either either

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Sheri Samotin: they don't make them when they should, or they do make them, and they're no show but 2 sides of the same coin.

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Sheri Samotin: This is another big one. So do you notice your loved one no longer doing things they used to enjoy? So, for example.

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Sheri Samotin: if they were bridge players, have they stopped playing bridge, for

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Sheri Samotin: if they belong to a book club, have they stopped going?

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Sheri Samotin: And often they'll make up excuses. They'll say, Oh, they're not having it anymore.

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Sheri Samotin: Or we're not. You know, we're not meeting anymore, or nobody plays anymore, or whatever it may be.

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Sheri Samotin: and that can often be masking things like being afraid to drive or being afraid to drive at night to go to some of these activities. But when you notice your loved one has stopped doing things that used to bring them joy, and that were really part of the fabric of their lives.

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Sheri Samotin: That is an indication that there's something behind it.

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Sheri Samotin: So it may or may not be cognitive. It may be as simple as they're afraid to drive at night to go there, but

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Sheri Samotin: especially now, where even in places, you know, outside of New York City, where there's public transport and taxis and ubers. There's Ubers

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Sheri Samotin: almost everywhere now, and there are even Ubers for older people who don't know how to use a

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Sheri Samotin: smartphone.

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Sheri Samotin: There's something called the go grandparent, you know, and there's things where there's a phone number where you can call to. There's local services. Sometimes they're free or very low cost where you can make a reservation, and to pick them up and bring them somewhere and bring them home. So there's ways around it, and what we don't want is for somebody to become so socially isolated

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Sheri Samotin: that they don't really have any joy.

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Sheri Samotin: So it's very important. One of the huge

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Sheri Samotin: issues with older adults is isolation which often can lead to depression which directly can lead to cognitive decline.

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Sheri Samotin: So all of those things go together.

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Sheri Samotin: stopping visiting friends and family, not wanting to go great example with my own mom. We had a close friend of the family, whom she knew well, was visiting town with her

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Sheri Samotin: teenage daughter, and I had arranged a lunch for us all to go out to lunch, and my mother, who had dementia

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Sheri Samotin: refused to leave the house. She wouldn't go.

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Sheri Samotin: So what was that about? Well, I think what it was really about was, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to follow the conversation.

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Sheri Samotin: It was hard for her to follow the conversation with one person like one on one, but the minute there were 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 people at a table, and there were conversations happening around her, even though she could hear.

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Sheri Samotin: and even though she could see.

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Sheri Samotin: her brain couldn't deal with that, and she found it very stressful. And I think that was really the reason why she refused to go out to lunch that day, and that's just one example.

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Sheri Samotin: Other signs of depression or anxiety. I mean not wanting to leave. The home is a huge one. And not unusual.

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Sheri Samotin: They rather stay home in the familiar. If they're having trouble with mobility, they'd rather be in a place they know. So there's no surprises of a step they're gonna have to take or ramp. They're gonna have to walk down or something without a handle.

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Sheri Samotin: and then no longer driving at night. So it's very typical for an older adult to announce proudly.

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Sheri Samotin: well, I'm not driving at night anymore, or I'm not driving on the freeway anymore.

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Sheri Samotin: Like, isn't this wonderful? But that? And it is wonderful that they are voluntarily doing that, because taking the keys away is one of the hardest things we have to do.

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Sheri Samotin: However.

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Sheri Samotin: That is also a sign that there's something else again, is it vision? Is it hearing? Is it fear

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Sheri Samotin: what's going on that's leading to that decision which may be a good decision

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Sheri Samotin: to no longer drive or no longer drive at night, or no longer drive on certain kinds of roads.

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Sheri Samotin: So what do you do about all this? If you're the adult child or the younger generation in the family, you know. And you're taking care of this older adult. What what do you do with it? And and the main advice I can give you is you have to figure out how to take charge, but not take over.

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Sheri Samotin: And it's a very fine line, and some professionals use the phrase, you're gonna parent, your parent, and I hate that

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Sheri Samotin: because that's just disrespectful. You are not going to parent your parent. You are going to help your parent, who raised you and loved you

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Sheri Samotin: to

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Sheri Samotin: be safe and as independent as possible. That's your job, not to parent them, but to help them be safe and as independent as possible. They still have brains. They still have opinions, and and they're still allowed to to say what they want.

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Sheri Samotin: So you don't wanna just take over. You don't wanna swoop in and say, I see you're having trouble with your finances. I'm gonna take them over and you gather up all the mail and you leave.

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Sheri Samotin: Okay, that's gonna Freak dad out. He's going to be threatened by that.

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Sheri Samotin: and he's going to then rebel.

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Sheri Samotin: and that's not going to be a pretty picture. Nobody likes to give up control, and especially not to their kids. Because, remember, they're remembering you when you were 3

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Sheri Samotin: or 5

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Sheri Samotin: or 12. And even though you're an adult, and you've been an adult for a long time. They're kind of lizard brain

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Sheri Samotin: when when somebody tries to take something

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Sheri Samotin: away from them is going to do exactly what yours did when you were 3,

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Sheri Samotin: and that is to have a tantrum and freak out and dig their heels in. And so we need to avoid that.

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Sheri Samotin: So one of the ways we could avoid that is, by trying to really understand what's going on for them and what's going on for us, and how those, how how to then work with those realities and not just deny that there are issues there.

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Sheri Samotin: So we're gonna talk about one of my clients. We're gonna call her Sandy. So here's Sandy.

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Sheri Samotin: And here's what Sandy's thinking.

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Sheri Samotin: Sandy's thinking. I don't want to be a burden to my kids. I know I'm getting older. I know they're worried about me, but I don't want to be a I don't want to be a burden.

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Sheri Samotin: And Sandy's thinking, -oh! My adult child is now taking over. I made the mistake of asking for help with something, and now here she is. She flew in on her broomstick, and she thinks I can't do anything anymore.

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Sheri Samotin: You know, I don't really even want my kids to know everything that's going on. They never have. Why why do they need to? They'll know when I'm dead.

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Sheri Samotin: and then I know I'm gonna die.

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Sheri Samotin: We all are.

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Sheri Samotin: But I'm afraid to talk to my family about the inevitable. I don't. I? I don't think they're gonna react well to that. They're not gonna want to have the conversation.

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Sheri Samotin: True story. I was sitting with my sister. There's we're 2 siblings.

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Sheri Samotin: and my mom and dad. This was a number of quite a number of years ago, and we were out to dinner on a rare occasion when we were all in the city, same city at the same time. And my mom said, while you girls are here, I want to go through my jewelry.

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Sheri Samotin: At which point my sister got up from the table. She went to the ladies room and refused to leave.

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Sheri Samotin: I had to go get her out of there. And I said, Susie, what is going on? And she said, I don't want to talk about it. And I said, well, mom wants to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.

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Sheri Samotin: Well, why don't you want to talk about it? She said. I'm superstitious if we talk about it. Something bad's gonna happen.

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Sheri Samotin: So here Mom wanted to talk about something that to her was inevitable.

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Sheri Samotin: And you know, one of the kids didn't want any part of it. This is not unusual.

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Sheri Samotin: So now we have Sandy's daughter.

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Sheri Samotin: Here's what she's thinking.

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Sheri Samotin: I'm overwhelmed with responsibility. Now I have to take care of Mom's finances, and I have to make sure she's eating properly, and I live 2,000 miles away. How am I supposed to do this?

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Sheri Samotin: She's thinking. And my mom is she's losing it, and she's in denial. She won't even admit it.

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Sheri Samotin: She won't tell me anything. So how am I supposed to help her. How am I supposed to know what to do when the time comes?

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Sheri Samotin: And you know I I'm afraid to talk to her about all of this, because I don't want her to think I want her to die.

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Sheri Samotin: So take a step back 2 people that known each other forever. They love each other.

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Sheri Samotin: And they're thinking these thoughts that are similar but different. And that's where so much of the taking over part comes in

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Sheri Samotin: is, our parents may be more willing to engage on some of these issues than we believe they are.

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Sheri Samotin: or they believe we are.

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Sheri Samotin: And we need to think about how to approach them in a way that's supportive

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Sheri Samotin: and not likable in a china shop.

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Sheri Samotin: So let's go back to the 1st thing that Sandy said. I don't want to be a burden.

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Sheri Samotin: Well, what did she really mean?

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Sheri Samotin: She really means I want to live a full and rich life, and for my kids to live theirs. I don't want them to feel that they have to take care of me.

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Sheri Samotin: Anyway. I don't want them to have to pay for me or take care of my need. Hands on and give me a bath.

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Sheri Samotin: That's what she's thinking. I don't. I don't want to be a burden on anybody.

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Sheri Samotin: What her daughter is thinking or feeling is. She doesn't want my help. She just says she doesn't need my help.

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Sheri Samotin: Things will go on this way until there's a crisis, just like what happens with all my friends and their parents, I feel responsible. But I don't know what to do.

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Sheri Samotin: So mom doesn't want to be a burden, and that's why she's kind of pushing off her daughter

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Sheri Samotin: and her daughter then takes that as

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Sheri Samotin: Mom doesn't want me to help.

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Sheri Samotin: she doesn't think she needs my help.

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Sheri Samotin: and I know something bad's gonna happen. And what am I gonna do?

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Sheri Samotin: My adult child is taking over what's really going on here?

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Sheri Samotin: What Sandy means is, I don't like asking for help.

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Sheri Samotin: I'm scared of it.

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Sheri Samotin: It's hard.

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Sheri Samotin: And then she treats me like a child.

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Sheri Samotin: just because I'm not as quick as I used to be doesn't mean I'm stupid.

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Sheri Samotin: And this is a really important point, just because someone is slower or older or doesn't get it as quickly or doesn't understand the technology or whatever it might be, doesn't mean they're stupid.

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Sheri Samotin: It just means they're going through a normal transition. And we have to figure out how to again to help them without grabbing the phone out of their hand and doing it for them.

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Sheri Samotin: So what is the daughter feeling she's feeling again.

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Sheri Samotin: She's losing it. She's she's in denial. I have to fix it. I have to make everything better. She's so stubborn. She wants to do it all herself.

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Sheri Samotin: I know something bad is gonna happen. It's gonna happen on my watch. I'm going to be blamed.

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Sheri Samotin: So what about this? I don't want my kids in my business. Well.

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Sheri Samotin: what she means is, I'm perfectly capable of managing my own affairs.

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Sheri Samotin: and I'm not going to give up control, because that means giving up independence, and they'll get their money, if there is any, they'll get it when I die.

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Sheri Samotin: So that's what Sandy's thinking.

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Sheri Samotin: What daughter is feeling is my aging parent won't tell me anything.

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Sheri Samotin: I'm not. Gonna how am I gonna figure all this out?

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Sheri Samotin: I don't even know what money she has. She won't tell me.

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Sheri Samotin: I don't even know where her bank account is.

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Sheri Samotin: I don't know what she wants.

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Sheri Samotin: and you know what this keeps me up at night.

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Sheri Samotin: So Mom saying, I'm stubbornly capable.

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Sheri Samotin: daughter is saying, Mom, being stubbornly capable, makes it difficult for me, and I'm worrying about what I don't know. So if I knew some of these things I wouldn't have to worry so much, or maybe I would, because the reality may not be good.

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Sheri Samotin: but at least I would know.

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Sheri Samotin: I'm afraid, to talk to my family about the inevitable.

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Sheri Samotin: She means I'm gonna die. Everybody does.

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Sheri Samotin: My parents never spoke about it.

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Sheri Samotin: I'd like my kids to know what I want, but when I try to bring it up they ask me if I'm sick.

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Sheri Samotin: So that's a very common reaction. By the way, if Mom or dad starts to bring up end of life, related topics. And one of the kids said, Well, what's the matter? Are you sick?

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Sheri Samotin: Do you have cancer?

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Sheri Samotin: Very common

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Sheri Samotin: daughter's feeling? I'm afraid, to bring it up. I don't want her to think I'm after her money.

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Sheri Samotin: and I certainly don't want to make her depressed. I mean, she's old. I I don't want to upset her. So here again are 2 people who really need to talk to each other about these things.

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Sheri Samotin: and they're they're in such different places in their head that it's very difficult for them to figure out how to do that.

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Sheri Samotin: So why are parents resisting help?

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Sheri Samotin: Well, it really comes down to fear, denial, anger, and inertia.

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Sheri Samotin: And if you, as the adult child, can figure out what the real motivator is behind what your parent is

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Sheri Samotin: keeping to themselves, not sharing, etc. It's going to help a lot to craft your message for how to talk to them about some of these difficult topics.

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Sheri Samotin: So if it's fear you want to think about, how can I,

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Sheri Samotin: you know, calm your fear if they're in denial. It's trying to figure out, how can we transition to reality

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Sheri Samotin: if they're angry about whatever the circumstances? Well, how can we help them

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Sheri Samotin: control something in their life, so that they can feel less angry.

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Sheri Samotin: and the most common one honestly, is inertia, which is just. I'll do it next year.

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Sheri Samotin: and that'll be my New Year's resolution.

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Sheri Samotin: I'll get my affairs in order next year. I'll talk to the kids next year. It's inertia. This is the biggest one I really should make this one bright red, because that is the most common reason for why adult

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Sheri Samotin: children and their aging parents don't communicate

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Sheri Samotin: is because on either side. Nobody really starts the conversation.

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Sheri Samotin: So what can you do? I've I've been talking about a lot of things that are going on

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Sheri Samotin: in the heads of both sides.

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Sheri Samotin: And you're probably sitting here and going like, okay, yeah, yeah, what? But what can I do about it? So you can. You can take charge without taking over how

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Sheri Samotin: well number one. Remember, you are the lifeguard. That's your job. What does that mean? Keep them safe. Number one, keep them independent. Number 2, but always within their physical, cognitive, and financial reality.

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Sheri Samotin: So again, safety first.st But you have to let them be independent, as independent as they can safely be

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Sheri Samotin: example.

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Sheri Samotin: Let's say Mom's having trouble with her finances.

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Sheri Samotin: Your inclination is swoop in and just take it all over. You live far away. You don't want to deal with it. You'll just do it yourself.

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Sheri Samotin: Well, that may be sort of okay.

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Sheri Samotin: But it would be a good idea to leave one bank account with Mom's checkbook that you don't leave a lot of money in

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Sheri Samotin: that allows Mom to go to the hairdresser and write a check just like she always has.

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Sheri Samotin: if she's able to do that.

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Sheri Samotin: who's it? Hurting by letting her do it?

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Sheri Samotin: And it's helping her to feel somewhat independent

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Sheri Samotin: or give her one prepaid debit card that you control, that you load with a little bit of money. So again, she can't get into too much trouble.

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Sheri Samotin: But if she goes out with her friends.

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Sheri Samotin: and they're going out to lunch. She can put down her card, too.

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Sheri Samotin: So it's a respect thing

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Sheri Samotin: of figuring out. Okay, she's having trouble with finances. It would be easier for me to just come swoop in, take it all, take it home and take care of it, but that's gonna leave her like a child where she has to ask you if she wants to spend a few dollars to get her hair done.

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Sheri Samotin: And that's doesn't feel good. Think about how you would feel if somebody did that to you.

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Sheri Samotin: So again try to put yourself in their shoes and come up with solutions that accomplish the goal. So yes, we need to step in and manage the finances. But yes.

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Sheri Samotin: we need to provide a way for Mom to maintain some independence.

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Sheri Samotin: So

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Sheri Samotin: it's your job to keep them safe and independent and all that, and that's great. But where like, how? How's this gonna be? Especially if you live far away.

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Sheri Samotin: So one of the biggest things that older adults worry about, whether they talk about it or not

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Sheri Samotin: is, where will I go

319
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Sheri Samotin: now? Many will say I want to stay home. I'm not leaving my house no way, no how. Don't put me in a home. I'm going out horizontal, whatever it is. They say right.

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Sheri Samotin: The truth is, for some people that can work for other people's people, it can't so one of the things as the adult child, you need to understand is, what are the options?

321
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Sheri Samotin: Where can Mom or dad go if they need more help? Now one option, of course, is aging in place staying home.

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Sheri Samotin: The other main one is supportive, living, meaning

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Sheri Samotin: senior living community assisted living memory, care, nursing, care, whatever it may be.

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Sheri Samotin: but even aging in place. It's not necessarily staying in my current home with 3 flights of stairs, with the laundry in the basement.

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Sheri Samotin: Maybe it's to move to a new home.

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Sheri Samotin: but that's all on one floor.

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Sheri Samotin: So I'm going to still want to be home. I want to be in my own 4 walls. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Okay.

328
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Sheri Samotin: but how about if we don't do it in a 3 story house with all those steps.

329
00:42:50.030 --> 00:42:52.300
Sheri Samotin: How about if we do it in a nice.

330
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Sheri Samotin: you know apartment, that's all. On one level? Ideally, maybe even in a building where they take care of some things for you.

331
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Sheri Samotin: So that's 1 option still independent, but safer.

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Sheri Samotin: One option is to move in with an adult child or some other relative, or for the adult child to move back in with Mom or Dad

333
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Sheri Samotin: again, depends on the family situation whether this is possible or desired. But it's an option

334
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Sheri Samotin: moving to a community.

335
00:43:26.560 --> 00:43:32.879
Sheri Samotin: And then again, what do they need today? But you need to look ahead.

336
00:43:34.320 --> 00:43:39.179
Sheri Samotin: What are they going to need if they need help with all the kinds of things we've been talking about.

337
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Sheri Samotin: So what else is there out there

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Sheri Samotin: aging in place we've talked about? There are adult day programs sort of like day camp

339
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Sheri Samotin: where Mom or dad can go one day a week.

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Sheri Samotin: 5 days a week, whatever it is. But where there is social stimulation. But it's a supportive environment.

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Sheri Samotin: Often in these places they receive one or 2 meals so that you know they're eating better.

342
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Sheri Samotin: and that can be a solution for some families.

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Sheri Samotin: An independent living community is typically one where they still do everything themselves. But there are certain things available for them. So, for example, in many independent living communities they provide housekeeping once a week

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Sheri Samotin: they change their bed once a week.

345
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Sheri Samotin: They take care of their

346
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Sheri Samotin: some meals, so they may. A lot of places will provide

347
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Sheri Samotin: a continental breakfast every day and then one other meal.

348
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Sheri Samotin: And they have socialization. They have activities. So they have a lot going on. And again we go back to depression being a very major issue leading to decline.

349
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Sheri Samotin: That socialization can be very helpful for people. Now, it depends upon the person. Some people are not joiners, they never have been. You're not going to make them do it now.

350
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Sheri Samotin: and other people will thrive where they were joiners. They didn't. They had a busy social life. And then it's kind of gone away as they no longer driving, or is, they're having trouble with mobility. It's harder to get out and get around. It's awfully nice to have all of that under your roof

351
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Sheri Samotin: assisted living, which are often, but not always, in the same building as independent living.

352
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Sheri Samotin: They provide more help. So they're providing activities of daily living. They're providing help with dressing, toileting. The things we spoke about earlier. Bathing is a big one, and they typically provide 3 meals a day. So really, at that point.

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Sheri Samotin: you know, your loved one is being cared for. Their room is kept clean, their laundry is done for them. They're not as independent. But again, there's a lot of activities. It's socialization movies, that kind of thing available to them. But the help is right there.

354
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Sheri Samotin: Memory care is. Take it one step further. If somebody has cognitive issues, dementia, and especially if they are what we call an elopement risk meaning, they will open the door and go bye-bye, and we will not know where they are. They need to be in a secure perimeter where there are people who are specially trained

355
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Sheri Samotin: to deal with dementia residents, and that is typically not an apartment, but a room. And again, they have activities for them. But they're appropriate for their cognitive ability.

356
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Sheri Samotin: Some States have things called board and care homes which are small. Typically 6 resident in a single family home.

357
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Sheri Samotin: Not. All States have those, and skilled nursing is where none of us want to go. That's your old fashioned nursing home.

358
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Sheri Samotin: There's also short term care. So respite or rehab for different reasons, and the thing to remember is.

359
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Sheri Samotin: you gotta pick an option. So if you age in place, you have to be prepared to buy what you need.

360
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Sheri Samotin: So if at some point you need a housekeeper. You have to be able to buy it a house to be able to come in.

361
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Sheri Samotin: and if you need somebody to do your shopping for you or your laundry for you, or whatever it is, you need to be able to pay for it and have it come in.

362
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Sheri Samotin: and if you need care, you have to be able to pay for caregivers to come in and provide the care

363
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Sheri Samotin: that you need.

364
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Sheri Samotin: So it often becomes a financial economic decision, while we all would rather stay in at home, age in place. Can we afford to

365
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Sheri Samotin: when our care needs become such that we need somebody?

366
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Sheri Samotin: So that is critical.

367
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Sheri Samotin: So what do they want? What can they afford?

368
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Sheri Samotin: I think I've covered all of this under specialized housing. There's 2 kinds. There's rental where you pay every month, and there's something called continuing care, retirement communities or life care contracts where you pay a whole lot of money upfront, and then you only pay a very little amount every month.

369
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Sheri Samotin: and there's co-OP and condo models of congregate living kind of beyond the scope of what we're talking about today. But I did want to at least mention that.

370
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Sheri Samotin: And how do you evaluate such a community? If you're not going to age in place? So if you're going to help Mom or dad relocate.

371
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Sheri Samotin: How do you judge what you're looking at? We'll talk to residents, talk to family members.

372
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Sheri Samotin: ask around so ask trusted advisors, attorneys, accountants, care managers, friends, family, etc. There are people called placement specialists

373
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Sheri Samotin: who really know what's going on in the communities, and they know the better places.

374
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Sheri Samotin: There's also for nursing homes something called the star rating system, or Medicare

375
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Sheri Samotin: rates. And it's there's a.gov website where you can look up nursing homes that doesn't apply to other things we talked about like assisted living or memory care that only applies to nursing homes.

376
00:49:27.730 --> 00:49:30.540
Sheri Samotin: And how do you, if you're gonna go check one out.

377
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Sheri Samotin: How do you evaluate it? Well, I developed something I call the 5 S's so size

378
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Sheri Samotin: how big some communities are very small. They don't have much going on, and some are like big hotels. They have lots going on, but also the size of the living unit. If Mom or dad are moving from a 4 bedroom home. Going into a studio might be tough.

379
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Sheri Samotin: So, you know, is there a 1 bedroom option maybe to transition them into.

380
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Sheri Samotin: What does it look like the sites? So what do the people look like? I had a lady I was showing communities to once a long time ago, and she was a gray haired lady on a walker, and we walked in, and she looked, took one look around. Looks, looks, and she goes, they're all old. And she turned on her heel and wanted to leave, and it was like, Well, you're old, too. So what did what did the people look like, do they, you know? Are they

381
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Sheri Samotin: all using assistive devices, or many of them ambulating on their own? Is it elegant like a hotel or a cruise ship? Or is it homey?

382
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Sheri Samotin: Are the residents, you know more in their eighties, or they more in their nineties, you know there can you can tell just by looking with your eyes?

383
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Sheri Samotin: Is there a lot of noise, or is it kind of sedate?

384
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Sheri Samotin: When you walk in the halls are all the room doors open with Tvs blasting.

385
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Sheri Samotin: or they close like in an apartment building, offering privacy to some of the residents. So listening with your ears.

386
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Sheri Samotin: What does it smell like? Is there like lots of cleaning fluid smell that's probably covering up a problem in their care?

387
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Sheri Samotin: Can you smell food that doesn't smell good, like a elementary school cafeteria when you walk through the door

388
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Sheri Samotin: probably means the food's not great, either.

389
00:51:24.300 --> 00:51:32.769
Sheri Samotin: And then finally, what did they offer in terms of services, amenities, social calendar, transportation, all those kinds of things.

390
00:51:34.680 --> 00:51:37.680
Sheri Samotin: It all depends on money, unfortunately.

391
00:51:38.950 --> 00:52:07.670
Sheri Samotin: what money is available. Your parents, or through the family from the sale of your parents, home, their mom or dad? Were they in the military? Are there any Va benefits available? Do they have long term care insurance. Do they have equity in their home, or we can maybe get a reverse mortgage to pay for care? And what other public benefits. May they be eligible, for all of those will determine where you can go or where you can stay.

392
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Sheri Samotin: So

393
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Sheri Samotin: I did it. I left a few minutes for questions. So let me pause there, and let's take questions.

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Office of Work/Life: I think you can feel free to put them in the chat. But sherry at this point, is it okay? If someone wants to unmute as well.

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Sheri Samotin: Sure, absolutely.

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Pete McHugh: I guess I I kind of be curious and thanks for the presentation. 1st of all, that was really helpful. And I was gonna ask also about kind of how you evaluate assisted living options. But you answered that pretty pretty well. I guess.

397
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Pete McHugh: What in your mind would you

398
00:52:55.520 --> 00:53:03.130
Pete McHugh: advise somebody, you know, and kind of debating whether a parent should continue living at home versus going to assisted living. And

399
00:53:03.960 --> 00:53:09.159
Pete McHugh: is there anything more kind of aside from what you presented about that we should be thinking about.

400
00:53:10.220 --> 00:53:15.129
Sheri Samotin: Yeah, I mean, it truly comes down to resources. In my opinion.

401
00:53:15.610 --> 00:53:19.809
Sheri Samotin: someone can stay home if you can afford, or they can afford

402
00:53:19.840 --> 00:53:23.939
Sheri Samotin: to buy all the services they need to keep them healthy and happy.

403
00:53:25.890 --> 00:53:51.355
Sheri Samotin: Whether that's a companion to take them out and take them places. I have one client who fortunately has the money. We have 24 h care, but in addition, we have a private physical therapist who comes 4 days a week to do exercise with her just little things in the house, but just to keep her mobility up and her balance and that kind of thing, and then we also have a

404
00:53:51.700 --> 00:54:00.550
Sheri Samotin: recreation therapist who comes once a week and does activities with her. And you know, so we we're providing a lot of stimulation in her home.

405
00:54:00.670 --> 00:54:04.050
Sheri Samotin: but she has the money to be able to do that with

406
00:54:04.140 --> 00:54:07.629
Sheri Samotin: a lot of people, don't, and when you sit down and do the math.

407
00:54:07.750 --> 00:54:16.299
Sheri Samotin: It just pencils out that the best option to keep them safe. Remember what I said. To keep them safe

408
00:54:16.320 --> 00:54:22.969
Sheri Samotin: is for them to live in some kind of congregate living situation where there's caregivers around when they're needed

409
00:54:23.180 --> 00:54:29.760
Sheri Samotin: and when they're not needed, they're left alone to do their own thing, so that provides some independence.

410
00:54:29.920 --> 00:54:33.740
Sheri Samotin: but it really does come to resources

411
00:54:35.500 --> 00:54:40.300
Sheri Samotin: and safety. I mean, if there was a situation where, if you have a a

412
00:54:40.310 --> 00:54:46.150
Sheri Samotin: a loved one who has cognitive issues, dementia of one kind or another, and they are wandering.

413
00:54:46.730 --> 00:54:49.880
Sheri Samotin: and you can't leave them alone at night.

414
00:54:50.090 --> 00:55:07.509
Sheri Samotin: or they're leaving the tea kettle on and creating a fire, though that that's not like they have. They have to have somebody with them. So it's either got to be paid for in the home, or a family member has to live with them, or they need to go somewhere where there's somebody around who can keep them safe.

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Office of Work/Life: There are a couple more questions in this in the chat, Cherry, so can you say more about how to deal with the elopement, risk.

416
00:55:18.960 --> 00:55:22.560
Sheri Samotin: Yeah, if they if they do, if they do it once.

417
00:55:22.650 --> 00:55:25.310
Sheri Samotin: and you become aware of it, you have a problem.

418
00:55:25.997 --> 00:55:32.210
Sheri Samotin: and that is a safety issue. You can't wait until they do it again. It's not a question like

419
00:55:32.740 --> 00:55:36.129
Sheri Samotin: it. So they sell sensors that you can

420
00:55:36.230 --> 00:55:43.500
Sheri Samotin: put on their clothes or in their shoe that they don't know about that have like a GPS.

421
00:55:44.020 --> 00:55:54.640
Sheri Samotin: There are also sensors on doors that if somebody crosses a threshold it'll send an alert to somebody's phone so that you at least know they left.

422
00:55:54.690 --> 00:56:02.819
Sheri Samotin: But the truth is, a lot of times they leave in the middle of the night, because they're sundowning, which means their nights and days are mixed up.

423
00:56:03.670 --> 00:56:08.559
Sheri Samotin: and they'll go out in the middle of the night with no clothes on, or just in their nighty

424
00:56:08.800 --> 00:56:15.690
Sheri Samotin: and start walking, and they don't know where they are. They don't recognize the neighborhood, and that's just dangerous

425
00:56:16.030 --> 00:56:34.420
Sheri Samotin: and scary. And so, you know, if they do it once, it's not really a question. You either have to have a human being there, and the appropriate locks on the doors and alarms on the doors, and things like that to keep them safe, or they need to go somewhere where they can be kept safe.

426
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Sheri Samotin: So I hope that answered the question.

427
00:56:39.960 --> 00:56:47.290
Sheri Samotin: 2 older parents, one's taking care of the other. It's starting to burn out. How do you deal with that?

428
00:56:47.881 --> 00:56:53.679
Sheri Samotin: They both need their own type of help. Yeah, okay, so that's where respite comes in, where

429
00:56:53.710 --> 00:56:57.490
Sheri Samotin: perhaps somebody in the family can come, take care of.

430
00:56:57.690 --> 00:57:10.030
Sheri Samotin: Let's say mom, and then somebody else can take dad and take him away on a little vacation go to a hotel for a few days. Let him like not have to take care of somebody else.

431
00:57:10.650 --> 00:57:16.030
Sheri Samotin: or bringing in a caregiver for a few hours, 3 days a week.

432
00:57:16.860 --> 00:57:22.529
Sheri Samotin: so the dad can still go out, and even. It's just to do the grocery shopping can do it by himself

433
00:57:22.610 --> 00:57:36.359
Sheri Samotin: without having to worry about getting Mom up and getting Mom dressed and getting her out the door, and so on, so that would that would be a suggestion. There, you know, without knowing more about the situation, it's hard to

434
00:57:36.390 --> 00:57:39.670
Sheri Samotin: hard to go further than that. But that would be my suggestion.

435
00:57:42.150 --> 00:57:43.490
Sheri Samotin: Anything else.

436
00:57:47.880 --> 00:57:50.450
Sheri Samotin: Okay, it looks like we're done.

437
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Office of Work/Life: Thank you so much. Sherry.

438
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Office of Work/Life: Oh.

439
00:57:54.980 --> 00:57:56.350
Caitlin Warthin: Can I ask one last question?

440
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Sheri Samotin: Sure.

441
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Caitlin Warthin: Do you have any tips for a situation where a parent needs to be moved into assisted living or memory care, and they are completely against the idea, and it is very much a safety issue.

442
00:58:11.510 --> 00:58:18.059
Sheri Samotin: Yes, I had to do it with my mom. It was the hardest day of my life, for none

443
00:58:19.050 --> 00:58:21.220
Sheri Samotin: I had to

444
00:58:21.670 --> 00:58:27.679
Sheri Samotin: arrange to have. We had a caregiver. I had to arrange to have the caregiver get her up and out of the house.

445
00:58:28.280 --> 00:58:31.140
Sheri Samotin: My sister and I had set up the room.

446
00:58:31.480 --> 00:58:40.200
Sheri Samotin: We had snuck a lot of her stuff over like when she was distracted and wasn't looking. We moved a lot of her stuff in, and I

447
00:58:40.560 --> 00:58:43.879
Sheri Samotin: met met them there, and I took her in.

448
00:58:44.120 --> 00:58:53.359
Sheri Samotin: and she went nuts, and I was told to leave the the caregiver. The place told me you need to go, and don't come back for a couple of days. Let us do what we do.

449
00:58:54.300 --> 00:58:56.809
Sheri Samotin: Hardest day of my life. It was horrible.

450
00:58:57.833 --> 00:59:02.300
Sheri Samotin: I did go back a few days later, and fortunately she had forgotten

451
00:59:02.730 --> 00:59:04.869
Sheri Samotin: that she was mad at me.

452
00:59:04.900 --> 00:59:14.329
Sheri Samotin: So there was that she didn't remember that I was the one who had brought her to that place, and at that point she didn't even really know what that place was.

453
00:59:14.500 --> 00:59:17.410
Sheri Samotin: So sometimes you just have to do it.

454
00:59:17.480 --> 00:59:20.870
Sheri Samotin: and it was awful, that's all I can say. But you have to do it.

455
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Caitlin Warthin: Thank you.

456
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Sheri Samotin: Okay, thank you. Everyone.

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Office of Work/Life: Thanks, sherry! Thanks, everybody for coming.